How often did I blame myself for something I’ve done? The answer is, every day.
I never get satisfied by what I have done for my entire life. Yet I could be a bit grateful for what I’ve already got until this time.
Let’s just say that I feel my life is meaningless.
I always feel my life is miserable, hopeless and I can do nothing except staring at my phone, for the freaking every day in my life.
It’s funny when I wrote “Personal Development” thingy when I myself can’t even create a better life.
If there’s a painting of me while I’m staring at my phone, I’d felt ashamed.
Well, I’m pathetic.
I’m that type of person who don’t like interactions. In a longer time, of course. I tried so hard to avoid any sign of conversations (if there’ll be one).
I always feel there’s something wrong with myself (Yes, it is, smarty).
A single critic could drive me furious while in the other side I can break someone else’s heart by just saying a few words.
The worst part is, I can’t even control my emotions, balancing it with my purest part of mind and shut my mouth up whenever something isn’t good enough for me to deal.
My closest family always mistaken me for having a bad day rather than it’s just something that popped up in my head and it’s really disturbing if I don’t spread it out.
Yes, I’ve been through many misconception.
One of my cousins ever told me this, “Ken, you really have to fix your manner”. It’s not a long word, not even hard to understand. But I still remember it until this time, and unfortunately I can’t give myself a chance.
Manner. One that can fix thousand years of misconception yet which can cause an unforgettable chaos.
I never get used to that word.
Miracle happens not only once.
I was sitting in my bed (as usual), when I found something interesting on my phone. There’s a movie titled “Soul” which in animated version that caught my attention lately.
So I decided to give it a try.
There’s much wise things I can take from this movie not only it’s adorable animation and astounding backgrounds.
Final conclusion from this movie is,
Live in the moment
Simple, but catchy.
It reminds me to a throwback moment when I first published my solo book (even it’s not a novel, me still being a proud girl).
I felt something I never had before, but it’s only last for a few months maybe.
After that feeling, I don’t have my sparks to write.
It’s not weird, obviously. I ever experienced this way before.
What I can’t understand is, I have fulfilled one of my biggest goals, why I don’t feel happy?
I’ve written some pieces of work about happiness. I know exactly that happiness is our own creation.
But why I don’t feel it when I’ve achieved one of my dream?
I always say that writing is my dream job, the only thing I wanna do until the end of my life.
Call me that proud Mama everytime my books released (yes, the anthologies).
But like every tales did told me, “You can’t rely on your dream”
It’s not like we can’t dream of something. Of course we have all the universe rights to have a dream.
What we shouldn’t do is, sugarcoating it.
I once felt hopeless when my writing didn't qualify in a competition.
But I’m extremely happy when one of my poems become the best poem in one book.
So what I can conclude from my experience is,
Dream is something you should achieve happily.
You can feel disappointed when one of your dreams isn’t fulfilled.
But don't get caught up in your disappointment.
Because like the stars, you can have millions of dreams.
Which you can achieve over time.
As my other writing does, I wrote for my own happiness.
Feel free to enjoy it by seeking through your own experience.
Glad to be here again, hope I can be consistent this time.
Full of love,
Ken Utari
